With Halloween upon us, it is worthwhile to remember a few simple

rules to help keep this season healthy, happy and SAFE!! Please use these

helpful hints this and every year:

 

When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to

see if it's really dead.

 

Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

 

Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.

 

If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which

they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of

grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to

kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody

else's voice.

 

When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go alone.

 

As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

 

Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would

apply to any other house of the dead as well.

 

If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and

find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HECK OUT!

 

If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short

circuits; just get out.

 

Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.

 

If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good

reason for it. Don't stop and look around.

 

Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you

know what you're doing.

 

If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at

least twice, more if you are female. Also note that, despite the fact

that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still

moving fast enough to catch up with you.

 

If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic

behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing

hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.

 

Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are

listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if

you recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold,

the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

 

If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to

the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that

it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a

tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be

eaten. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws, staple

guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane

torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from

deceased companions.

 

If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the

time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous

  inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some

horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices.

 

Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an

old house, women SHOULD wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a flashlight,

not a candle.

 

Do not mention the names of demons around open flames, as these can

flare suddenly. Be especially careful of fireplaces in this regard.

 

LAST BUT NOT LEAST.....STAY AWAY FROM THE CORN!