Since no one else (EXCEPT FINK) seems to be doing it, and because they never let me talk on the air, I think we're gonna liveblog this VMA business... READY SET VMA!

• 11:15PM - And that's all. Russell Brand sucks. That's just a fact at this point.  This was a Britney love-fest, and just seeing the first few minutes of the post-show solidified it in my mind.  This was one of the worst. It's not the worst ever (Vegas still takes it), but it's up there. A friend notes that it's never sucked when it was in NYC. Take it back there next year.  And get rid of Britney forever.
  
  
• 11:13PM - Kanye West performs...erm...something that sounds like a Blue Man Group song. An okay song but not great (expect this to be all over the internets tomorrow). He couldn't save it.  A performance that could very well be the last for the VMAs. We can hope anyway.
  
  
• 11:11PM - Video Of The Year: BRITNEY FARKING SPEAERS - PIECE OF ME?!
  I'm now convinced this is part of Britney's anti-Anna Nicole Smithing. Sorry kids, there's no saving this fiasco, not even Kanye can save it. It's not Vegas, but it sucks just the same.
  
  
• 11:02PM - Weezy and Kid Rock? Iono about all that. Wasn't really feeling that at all. No snarky comment, just not feeling it. I think Russell Brand has drained me of anger at this point.
  
  
• 10:58PM - Drake and Josh (?!) introduce Kid Rock. Russell Brand is a lost cause now, the biggest British Trainwreck since... never mind. Too soon.
  
  
• 10:54PM - I would be remiss if I didn't mention right now that we're almost two full hours into the show, without a single sign of Kanye West. Draw your own conclusions.
  
  
• 10:53PM - Congratulations, Lupe Fiasco. That's the second most time anyone got on the side stage. You're a nice man.
  
  
• 10:51PM - Best Pop Video: Britney Spears - Piece Of Me. Really? REALLY? I'm about done with these things. Is this MTV's way of keeping her from Anna Nicole Smithing herself?
  
  
• 10:50PM - LL Cool J + TRV$DJAM = Amazing. LL Cool J can even carry Russell Brand! That's how great he is!
  
  
• 10:45PM - I'm getting word from a friend at MTV that the fire marshal has shut down the Paramount sound stage. They're trying not to have the whole thing shut down on live TV. Could be real? Who knows.
  
  
• 10:44PM - Best New Artist: Tokio Hotel. I called it. Cinderella story. Way to keep it real MTV. Also way to give it to this generation's version of Boy George.
  
  
• 10:42PM - Russell Brand feigns embarrassment. He should try the real thing. The Jonas Brothers aren't having it at all. Never thought I'd side with the JBs.
  
  
• 10:38PM - Christina Aguilera is Zorro in A Box. And as one of my friends points out, she's ripped off Lady Gaga's outfit. Performs the Keeps Gettin' Better song, though looking like Britney circa 2002 while doing so.
  
  
• 10:31PM - Clearly no one understands what TRV$DJAM are doing. It's so great though.
  
  
• 10:28PM - And I called it!
  
  
• 10:26PM - I've been holding off playing this T.I. "Whatever You Like" but it's time to break it out now. So hot.
  
  
• 10:25PM - JORDIN SPARKS! WITH THE S L U T WORD! DEFENDING CHASTITY! YOU GO GIRL!
  
  
• 10:23PM - Best Hip-Hop Video: Lil Wayne - Lollipop. Good choice of video. Poor choice of presenters in Slipknot + McLovin.
  
  
• 10:22PM - RUSSELL BRAND STFU. Aaaaand Slipknot with another awkward is-it-real-or-just-dumb moment?
  
  
• 10:21PM - Pete Wentz with an MJ/Lisa Marie joke that falls flatter than anything Russell's done. Note to self: if you're ever at an awards show and no one's reacting to anything you're saying, just yell GET UP!
  
  
• 10:19PM - Most of you aren't paying attention, but Mac vs PC ad wins. I still like the Microsoft commercial, but Free Pizza wins any argument.
  
  
• 10:17PM - This commercial break trivia crap is really starting to annoy me. No lie, I used to rip that game up at Damon's. But not during the cot dang VMAs. It does, however, confirm my thought that the T.I. & Rihanna song is the one with the Numa Numa sample/interpolation/whatever.
  
  
• 10:11PM - Pink is Scared Pink in I'm Gonna Fall I'm Gonna Fall I'm Gonna Fall. Her falling off the balcony would've taken the Highlight award from Weezy, no contest. Alas, she goes home empty-handed, though a good performance. She may have to settle for the bronze.
  
  
• 10:10PM - Russell Brand uses about 5 or 6 different BritSlang phrases that no American recognizes while yelling at Miley Cyrus.
  
  
• 10:09PM - Best Rock Video: Linkin Park - Shadow Of The Day. Slash can't keep his contempt for this choice in. Or his contempt for Shia LeHowDoesHeKeepGettingWork. Does anyone think of what they're gonna say when they get on stage anymore?
  
  
• 10:06PM - Fink thinks it's the worst ever. I think it's just passable. Weezy and T-Pain are the bright spot so far. Rest of the acts were mediocre. Russell Brand is captain of the failboat. But it's still better than last year's disjointed clusterfark.
  
  
• 10:02PM - ZOMG MILEY IN 8 MINUTES! AHHHHHHHstill don't care.
  
  
• 9:58PM - Slipknot with another awkward is-it-real-or-just-dumb moment?
  
  
• 10:21PM - Pete Wentz with an MJ/Lisa Marie joke that falls flatter than anything Russell's done. Note to self: if you're ever at an awards show and no one's reacting to anything you're saying, just yell GET UP!
  
  
• 10:19PM - Most of you aren't paying attention, but Mac vs PC ad wins. I still like the Microsoft commercial, but Free Pizza wins any argument.
  
  
• 10:17PM - This commercial break trivia crap is really starting to annoy me. No lie, I used to rip that game up at Damon's. But not during the cot dang VMAs. It does, however, confirm my thought that the T.I. & Rihanna song is the one with the Numa Numa sample/interpolation/whatever.
  
  
• 10:11PM - Pink is Scared Pink in I'm Gonna Fall I'm Gonna Fall I'm Gonna Fall. Her falling off the balcony would've taken the Highlight award from Weezy, no contest. Alas, she goes home empty-handed, though a good performance. She may have to settle for the bronze.
  
  
• 10:10PM - Russell Brand uses about 5 or 6 different BritSlang phrases that no American recognizes while yelling at Miley Cyrus.
  
  
• 10:09PM - Best Rock Video: Linkin Park - Shadow Of The Day. Slash can't keep his contempt for this choice in. Or his contempt for Shia LeHowDoesHeKeepGettingWork. Does anyone think of what they're gonna say when they get on stage anymore?
  
  
• 10:06PM - Fink thinks it's the worst ever. I think it's just passable. Weezy and T-Pain are the bright spot so far. Rest of the acts were mediocre. Russell Brand is captain of the failboat. But it's still better than last year's disjointed clusterfark.
  
  
• 10:02PM - ZOMG MILEY IN 8 MINUTES! AHHHHHHHstill don't care.
  
  
• 9:58PM - Either I was wrong, and Paramore's entrance was taped, or Fink was wrong, and this performance is taped. I'm confused either way.
  
  
• 9:57PM - The only mystery is how you got this gig hosting, Mr. Brand.
  
  
• 9:55PM - Thank you, MTV, for reminding us that you're nothing but a dumping ground for reality shows featuring people that have already been on your network more than once.
  
  
• 9:53PM - Is that the first official airing of the Chris Brown Doublemint Gum commercial in the US?
  
  
• 9:50PM - ZOMG MILEY IN 19 MINS I BETTER GET MY MOUNTAIN DEWdon't care.
  
  
• 9:48PM - Best Dancing In A Video - ****cat Dolls - When I Grow Up. And apparently the PCDs are a movement? There's so many of them! Holla God! Thanks for being so awesome!
  
  
• 9:45PM - Did Weezy just give pets to Russell Brand's leg? Could Russell Brand sound more forced? Did Lindsay Lohan just turn into Miley Cyrus?
  
  
• 9:43PM - T-Pain's top hat is not to be f-ed with. This is the best trend in hip-hop right now. I'm gonna go buy one just on the strength of this performance. So far he's worn that thing, and arrived on a cot dang ELEPHANT. Game over.
  
  
• 9:42PM - WEEZY JUST SHOUTED ME OUT! GOOFY FLOW!
  
  
• 9:40PM - You took another risk, MTV, and you failed yet again. Russell Brand is on the failboat right now. Michael Phelps is superaquaman though, cleansing our palate and introing Weezy/Leona Lewis/T-Pain.
  
  
• 9:37PM - Okay when did that bar trivia game take over my television? I don't even have one of those blue play things? WTC.
  
  
• 9:36PM - I'm going on Delicious Computer watch now. That's two.
  
  
• 9:34PM - Katy Perry nervously makes her way through Madonna's Like A Virgin. Totally not taking it off. Totally not making out with Miley Cyrus. Letdown.
  
  
• 9:31PM - In case you were wondering, yes, that's exactly what happens when the Jonas Brothers are spotted, anywhere. Teen girls prepare to jump out of second-story windows.
  
  
• 9:30PM - Jonas Brothers do this Lovebug song you can hear here. Taylor Swift introduces Joe first, so obv they're doing each other. I'd say this is pre-recorded if it weren't so obvious that the lighting sucks... interesting concept though
  
  
• 9:29PM - Best Male Video: Chris Brown - With You. AND EVEN CHRIS CAN'T BELIEVE WEEZY DIDN'T GET IT! How do you snub Weezy?!
  
  
• 9:26PM - Ashton let Demi Moore out? And she's on a mission to get this whole piece of hers out of her mouth. Wow that sounded unintentionally dirty.
  
  
• 9:25PM - And a promo for this Paris Hilton soon-to-be-hit. Ugh. At least the only thing we've seen of Tila Tequila was a still photo from those damn camera phones.
  
  
• 9:21PM - I fear this TRV$DJAM thing is going to go over people's heads. I seriously thought we were gonna see Jay-Z and a Gallagher brother on stage for two seconds.
  
  
• 9:20PM - Spencer has skill. At making me want to punch him in the face.
  
  
• 9:18PM - Best Female Video: Britney Spears - Piece Of Me. If not for KiDD LeoW, I wouldn't have known that song had a video.
  
  
• 9:15PM - Jamie Foxx should be the host. Or at least he thinks he should be cause his intro is taking forever. At least the video intros are suitably artsy for the VMAs. I'm not sure how I like the whispergirl yet.
  
  
• 9:10PM - "Use a condom, or become Republican." Wow. Points for mentioning Jonas Brothers and genitals in the same thought. And A-Rod/Madonna jokes are like beating a dead dude that was beating the dead horse. The only saving graces so far are TRV$DJAM as the house band and Katy Perry's "this dude is for real?" look.
  
  
• 9:08PM - British dude is at a 10. He needs to be at a 7 maybe. Britney's at a 3. Slash is at a 1. And I like my awards shows without political messages, thanks.
  
  
• 9:03PM - Rihanna's a little pitchy (dogg pound), really not singing this as much as she needs to really sell it, and has obviously been taking direction from Slipknot downstairs, but I'm feeling this for some reason. Probably because it's kind of a normal stage number like we REALLY need these things to be.
  
  
• 9:02PM - Despite that grumblecake, how great is this? To see a fit and entirely attractive Britney after so much time? And she rolls her Rs. I do that when I'm nervous too.
  
  
• 9:00PM - And awayyyyy we go... to a prerecorded, entirely too long, and not very funny, Britney vs Jonah Hill. Sigh.
  
  
• 8:58PM - Benji's complexion is blinding. Paris admits disappointment over Britney not performing. YES BRING SWAYCOPTER DOWN!! And we're all going to the Good Charlotte afterparty, right Fink?
  
  
• 8:54PM - Taylor Swift is still clearly not used to this Jim dude sucking so bad. He's kind of the only misstep so far. Get Sway out of the damn copter and we'll talk about this being better than last year.
  
  
• 8:52PM - And I'm now sick of this Jim dude.
  
  
• 8:51PM - WAKE UP JOHN NORRIS! YOU'RE ON! WITH A TINY TINY CAR BEHIND YOU! FILLED WITH PARAMORE! Note to the clueless: greenblue and orange go VERY well together.
  
  
• 8:50PM - A VERY pregnant Ashlee Simpson. Could we have said that a year ago and not thought it weird or strange? Probably. Cut to BritDude again, and Kobe keeps it real. Good shoutout for the JBs again.
  
  
• 8:48PM - Does Fink's coverage mean I have to stop? Probably. I'll delete if it's not better.
  
  
• 8:47PM - Slipknot's still around? And invited to MTV award shows? And well behaved? Does that happen every year?
  
  
• 8:45PM - Taylor Swift talks to secret hot boyfriend Joe Jonas and the rest of the JBs. Tell me I'm wrong, but look who's standing closest to her and making googly eyes!
  
  
• 8:44PM - SwayCopter talks to Paris and Benji Hilton-Madden. Aaaaaand she's got an MTV reality show coming. Great. Attention EA: make Hilton-Madden 09. Let us play a season of the NFL where we also have to handle our players' travel arrangements.
  
  
• 8:42PM - Christina Aguilera looks great, but a little like Bridget Jones with bangs. Her song should be the one we broke on Friday, you can hear it HERE.
  
  
• 8:38PM - Verizon is kind of shooting themselves in the foot with this Jim dude acting like every bad radio DJ you've ever made fun of with your friends. I'm literally expecting him to say "O M G!" any second now.
  
  
• 8:37PM - SwayCopterCoolJ talks to the Jonas Brothers, and every 14 year old girl faints. Sway admits to being a JB dad. Game over dude. And I was serious CopterCoolJ... Sway could pass for him right now if he would get out of the damn copter and do a track with The-Dream.
  
  
• 8:35PM - Dance Group Fannypack kills it. Game over. And yes, dude, you're British. Very British.
  
  
• 8:33PM - DANCE BATTLE! YES! A little disjointed, but still not all in all bad first take. Lupe Fiasco in his final 15 mins of fame...sorry I loved Superstar but where's dude been except in backpackerland?
  
  
• 8:27PM - Hi dad and Uncle Dave...I mean John Norris and Kid Rock. Everyone's talkin about Weezy... please let him be the savior for this awards show, cause so far it's not doing much for me. Or at least have the T-Pain Elephant pull the SwayCopter out of the sky...
  
  
• 8:24PM - Katy Perry and Miley Cyrus... every 17 year old dude is creaming himself right now. Is Katy Perry getting blurred out at the bottom of her dress? Is Miley lapsing into Valley Girl? Is Taylor finally getting into the swing of things? The answer to the last one is no...awkward....
  
  
• 8:23PM - Sway is our Eye In The Sky Traffic Dude all over again... how is putting the names of these bands NOT a security concern for these bands? Jonas Brothers' van HAS to be carried in by a mass of 14 year old girls, no doubt with their supplied Verizon phones or whatever red carpet Jim was talkin about.
  
  
• 8:21PM - MICROSOFT COMMERCIAL! I'm writing this on a Mac, but I sure as heck hope the future of computing is delicious. I also think that edit was much better than the 1:30 version I linked above.
  
  
• 8:20PM - Leading off the commercial break with Russel Brand/Britney promos again... I'm trying to keep an open mind about this dude cause he seems the Ricky Gervais kind of funny.
  
  
• 8:19PM - Chris Brown, seriously. Please. Get out of the car and get Sway out of the copter. Don't let him jump. Just bring it down softly. Controlled descent.
  
  
• 8:18PM - Taylor needs to work on this whole "hosting TV" thing. Looking visible weirded out by Pink's outfit, who is apparently wearing Tim Burton but kinda pulls it off.
  A quick switch to BritDude and Jordin Sparks lookin WIDE. You need that kind of build to hit the notes I think (see Kelly Clarkson).
  
  
• 8:17PM - Camera phones? Seriously? Could you at least get them something that does better quality than YouTube videos? Obvious this dude hasn't been on a damn TV set ever...
  
  
• 8:14PM - We're back from the commercial break to see Katy Perry and Miley Cyrus get out of the same limo... followed by some a less-than-metaphorical circus surrounding T-Pain? Winner of most ridiculous entrance so far, hands down. I want the hat, I WANT the ELEPHANT!, not so much the crow-lookin' WWE dancer dude though.
  
  
• 8:09PM - Tokio Hotel arrives and sets up the VMA Cinderella story by saying they think they have no chance of winning... John Norris is as old as all of our dads, just remember that.
  
  
• 8:06PM - Katy Perry plays OJ to Sway's Low-Speed-Chase copter reporting. This makes me think Shep Smith should be a part of it...
  
  
• 8:05PM - T.I. looks sharp and mentions the song with Rihanna, which by all accounts is this song called "Live Your Live", which is basically a remake of the Numa Numa song.
  
  
• 8:03PM - Taylor Swift, dear, speak when spoken to. Stop interrupting someone trying to compliment you.
  
  
• 8:01PM - I haven't watched since last year's VMA fiasco in Vegas, but:
  - Sway got a chopper? Is he like the new-wave version of Gary McHenry?
  - All the generic VJs/Red Carpet Runts are required to have British accents?
  - All the limos HAVE to have their artists' names on it?